On "Bouncing Back"
photo by Ally Michele
My first year as a brand new mom, the #1 most common comment/question (in “real life” and online) I received went something like these: “Girl, you look so great for just having a baby!” “Way to bounce back!” “Can you please tell me how you dropped baby weight so fast? Diet tips? Exercise routines? What do you eat?” I’d smile and not really reply to the usually well-meaning narrative. It didn’t offend me, I knew the hearts behind the words really were good. But, honestly? They felt like a knife to my hurting heart. Truth is, not long after I brought our beautiful baby earthside, I began to plunge into the depths of Postpartum PTSD. Anxiety, depression, scary thoughts… a mix of drowning and also wholly grateful and delighted in my baby and thankful he and I were alive and healthy. After a traumatic birth experience, separation and difficult recovery due to a lengthy post-birth surgery I underwent. It all hit me hard, physically and emotionally, as my first-year of motherhood unfolded. A silent battle waged within me and I fought it - in denial, fear, pain, and sometimes not-knowing-what-to-do, for two years “postpartum”.... finally breaking down and getting the help I needed in the form of therapy and medication and so much holistic help, and life-saving support from those closest to me.
Those “You’ve bounced back so fast!” comments and questions during that season made me feel lonelier in my battle. Naturally built long and lean, with an always-fast metabolism, combined with *severe* anxiety made for one underweight mama. Eating nutritious, healthy food and a well-rounded diet is hard for any busy new parent! But, when you’re in the midst of a panic attack a lot of that time? It’s near impossible. The reason I quickly “dropped the baby weight” is not due to any disciplined diet or workout routine. No... my heart raced like a freight train and it was hard to breathe (or sleep or think), so it was hard to eat. That feeling when you get into a near-car accident on the freeway, and time stops and your heart races and your head spins? That’s how I felt most of the time (#ptsd).
And yet, I was often perceived as looking fine, and really, it *was* hard to tell on the outside…I tried hard to be “put together”...doing my hair and makeup was the only thing that made me feel “normal.” That’s the tricky and scary thing about all this. Often, a mama can look “just fine” and be absolutely “not okay.” Toxic messages screamed at women for years thanks to the media doesn’t help any of us... including postpartum moms. “Bouncing back” to our postpartum weight is not the prize. Being - in brain and body - healthy and whole is the goal. No matter how our bodies look. That can be all kinds of self care. Sunshine. Sleep. Fresh air. A healthy diet. Therapy. Medication. Supplements. Moving our bodies. Thin does not always mean healthy... it *could* mean healthy, but it *could* mean suffering. And really, health is less about how we look on the outside and more about what’s happening on the inside (in our heads and our hearts and our bodies as a whole.) We as a society need to care less about how women look and more about what’s going on inside our heads and hearts, particularly after giving life to another human being.
Today, I weigh over thirty pounds more than those first two “postpartum years” and I (finally) feel mentally and physically better than I have in a long, long time.
Skinny doesn’t equal healthy. It might mean “drowning.”
Much is changing these days as women on social media are speaking up and telling the truth about our bodies and minds, and I am here for it! I’m proud of us. We are brave and we are strong, whatever size and shape we are, whether we’re healthy or not healthy today - we deserve to feel good and to be healthy.
Healthy and loved... in heart, mind and body.
For the new mamas in our lives.... the one who looks like she’s got it together, the one who’s “lost the weight fast”... maybe she’s not “bouncing back.” Maybe, she’s drowning fast. Maybe we need to care less about how she looks and more about how she *feels.* The narrative is changing, women are speaking up even more these days... how they feel about their bodies, how the media has made us feel... what it feels like to give life to our beautiful babies and endure brutal pregnancies, traumatic births, dark postpartum seasons.... we are finding sisterhood in those places that once felt dark and lonely.
Let’s check on the brave, soon-to-be mamas holding their bumps. Make sure the friend who’s in the thick of infertility treatments is she’s alright. Ask the postpartum mommy if she’s okay. She may look okay... but does she feel okay?
Women are strong warriors... we always have been. And we’re even stronger together. 💗